I've been remiss

I'm sorry I've been silent since my juggernaut post, about my top braces being clamped on. Since then, I've promised to report on the palette expansion I was fitted with last Friday, my Pre-Op appointment with Dr. O'Ryan, my night out with Stephen at TIGERS BE STILL at the SF Playhouse (Standing Ovation Performances all around, by the way).....so much going on!

I've just been inundated with quite a few things, but I've got lots of new reports coming up, which will see the light of day, on Stagekiss, this weekend. I'm committing to this! Those of you that know me well, know what a commitment-phobe I am, but I'm committing to this.

I know, I know. My life tends to be feast or famine. Be prepared for FEAST time!

Talk soon, and PLEASE stay tuned, won't you?

Pretty please?

And so it begins

When I originally started Stagekiss on blogger.com, wayyyyyyyyyy back in 2006, I wanted to share the good, the bad, and the UGLY about what it was like to be a struggling actress in San Francisco: an actress who still held fast to the dream of being a storyteller, and an even bigger dream of being a storyteller in Los Angeles, or even Chicago (I still haven't decided on which destination yet). I started this journey, of being an actor back when I was 12. I've been told the word "NO" more often than I'll ever hear YES, and I'm an unflappable optimist. My optimism has been known to annoy some, while others shake their heads at what they think is simple naiveté on my part.

Well, haters be warned: I STILL believe it, in my core, that I will soon make my dream come true, of making my life and living as an actor....yeah, yeah, we'll leave the last argument behind for now, whether it's actor or actress (I'm going with actor, for the sake of an argument, and also, for simplicity sake). ANYHOW, I am proud to say that I hold onto my dream tightly, with both hands, even when critics, agents, other actors, well meaning friends and family, the media, age, negativity and cynicism try and pry my dream from my hands. I still have it, buried deep inside here *placing my hands over my heart gently*, and no, I won't 'go gently into that good night'. It truly doesn't matter to me anymore, if no one believes that I'll make my dream come true. The important thing is that I believe it, and I DO.

And so, along this path to my dream of acting professionally, I realized, after a long hard look at myself, and losing out on a considerable amount of work I knew I had been right for, I realized, after digesting some sage advice from a few mentors of mine, I needed to tweek and adjust some glaring issues with my instrument: which is me, my body. Now, before you jump to conclusions, I am NOT speaking about a facelift (blood curdling scream), a boob job or a labiaplasty, for crying out loud (Heh. I'm truly kidding about the labiaplasty, but for shits and giggles, Google: Labiaplasty, and you'll soon realize, plastic surgeons are making a fortune off of offering labia rejuvination....apparently it's HUGE in certain parts of the world...who knew, right?! And anyone who thinks I was seriously considering this, I would ask to chillax. I'm having a bit of fun, about the subject). I am talking about something which I noticed back when I was 23....it's funny how I can remember SO MUCH of that moment. I can still describe the picture of myself I was looking at with precision. I also remember the depression that hit me like a bolt of lightening, when I noticed it, as I had been through SO MUCH when I was in high school, to correct the problem.

The moment I saw my mouth, I wanted to do this: "NNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!", but...uh....it wasn't a real appropriate time.

The problem was my mouth. The picture I was looking at, was a press picture of me in a production of DRACULA at Santa Rosa Junior College. I was 23 at the time, and I was playing Mina. In the picture, my head was thrown back, exposing my neck for the actor playing Dracula. The picture was fine, but what WASN'T fine was that my right front tooth was slightly crooked, thus I noticed that I had a growing overbite! This was a HUGE 'OMG-WTF?!' moment for me. The problem had been fixed in high school, or so I thought, and I just never even entertained the thought that everything would collapse and I'd be facing my dental deformities all over again. But there it was, and it was...inconceivable. My mind raced through all the suffering and pain I'd been through, in high school, to get my crossbite, overbite and palette balanced. I had everything:

1. A palette expansion (just an RPE *Rapid Palatal Expander* w/out surgery), when I was a toddler;
2. Braces first @ 12;
3. Headgear;
4. Rubber Bands;
5. Retainers;
6. Wires, Wires and more Wires;
7. Jaw Surgery, which included being wired shut for 8 weeks;
8. And more braces.....;

The technical term for what I'm going to have is:

SARPE: Surgically Assisted Rapid Palatal Expansion *I know that's a big WTF?, right?*

SARPE is defined as:

"Surgically assisted rapid palatal expansion or SARPE is a form of surgery in which the upper jaw is expanded. In many cases the orthodontist will try a palatal expander alone; however there is a chance that the movement will be not be enough. In this case the SARPE surgery is done.

When patients upper jaw is vastly too small to go over the lower jaw, chewing, talking, and other issues can arise. This is why it is important you look into treatment. Usually younger patients respond better to the palatal expander alone. The older patients jaws are not as soft and usually are better candidates for SARPE, however it is a procedure done on teens as well.

Users report very little discomfort or pain and the surgery usually take an hour at an inpatient facility. Your orthodontist will usually recommend an oral surgeon that they have done these procedures with before.

There is said to be some swelling, however this varies from patient to patient. The expander is not to be turned for about a week after the surgery and you are placed on a soft food and liquid diet. Soft foods such as mash potatoes, pasta, apple sauce, etc.

There is usually a space in your front teeth from the expansion of the jaw, however there is closed with braces in the upcoming weeks of treatment."

Yup. Apparently, during the time I'm cranking open my palette expander with my key, I'm going to develop a comely hillbilly gap between my 2 front teeth, where I'll not only be able to learn to whistle proficiently, but I'll finally be able to look like one of those statues in a fountain, that stream water from their mouths, when I'm in a swimming pool...yay for me! Perhaps on Halloween this year, I'll even be able to horrify people around me, by pretending to shove a pencil in my mouth, through the big ol' gap I'll have in my front teeth, and scream: OMG OUCH OUCH OUCH!!!!! while a creatively placed blood packet in my mouth spurts projectile stage blood. I mean, when else in my life will I have this kind of opportunity?! :-)

While I'm prone to make light of things, I want you to know that this journey, at times, is going to be anything but light. I know that I have a terrible habit of making jokes when I'm faced with an uncomfortable, awkward or painful situation. Frankly, it's how I cope with crap. A friend of mine is going through this nearly similar journey that I am, and I am inspired by her strength and maturity, dealing first with her own SARPE surgery. The pictures were unsettling, but utterly courageous....in fact, the more I've scoured the net for other personal experiences, I'm finding out there are a whole lot of peeps, like my friend and I, who have struggled with their own mouth issues, and want some normalcy, to how they chew, breath, and talk.

I've been asked if I'm doing this for 'Cosmetic Reasons': My answer? "Oh HELL to the NO!" Are you kidding? I may be crazy, but I'm not THAT crazy! IF I were doing this solely for cosmetic reasons, I wouldn't even have started the first gear in motion. No. This is for MEDICAL reasons. I REALLY want to be able to enjoy the simple pleasures of biting into an apple, without it having to be cut up for me, and I want to enjoy corn on the cob-and when I eat it, I want it messy, gooey and dripping with butter, while it gets all over my face! I don't want to have to cut off fresh corn from the cob with a freaken knife, like I was a baby. NO. I want to eat THAT corn on the cob, and enjoy every bite! I want to talk without effort, and no longer have to be embarrassed by my lisp. YES, I HAVE lost acting and commercial work, because of my mouth! How do I know this? Because when I've asked, I was told MY MOUTH affecting my voice, was the reason why. And, I want to be able to close my mouth when I sleep, or close my mouth when I'm listening to someone, and not have them ask me if "something's wrong?" because my mouth, when I close it? My chin crinkles up like a peach pit, and I look troubled. UGH! And, AND, did you know that people who breathe through their mouth or sleep with their mouth open (like me, because my mouth won't comfortably rest in a closed position), have a higher chance of cavities and other issues?

I have to say, I bless my health insurance everyday, as they'll be picking up most of the tab for my surgeries. GOD BLESS KAISER PERMANENTE!!!

And so, I'm going to share this journey to my dream smile with you, dear readers. I'll be sharing the gamut of what I'm going to do. I'll be having my share of triumphs and defeats, and a lot of it will not be pretty, BUT that's why it's called a journey, yes? YES!

All I have to say is, BRING IT! I've dealt with more setbacks, more personal pain and insecurities, having my palette and jaw out of alignment, than the WORST pain that I'll be going through, and trust me, the final results will speak for themselves. I'm terrified but incredibly excited....I can imagine, in many ways, that this must be what it's like to bring a baby to life. You prepare yourself, manage through the ups and downs of maternity, and in the end, when you hold that perfect little creature in your arms, it's ALL worth it. Though...mine won't be a baby, per se, but it will be a smile I can finally show to the world, without insecurity, and proudhearted, that I saw this journey through to the end, without giving up on myself.

So, without further ado, I'd like to post some pictures from just moments before I walked into Dr. Quinn's office to start the 2nd part of my journey, last Friday morning, August 12th. I was in the cab, and shot a pic of my bare top teeth, as well as a pic outside Dr. Quinn's office.

Me in the cab showing my teeth, sans top braces. You can see how my narrow palette has affected my 2 front choppers, pushing them out as my palette narrows. This is the way my teeth look, at rest in a normal bite. I never let ANYONE see my teeth at rest this way, as I'm SO insecure about the way they look. Pretty scary, huh?



Me in front of Dr. Quinn's office, about to accept my fate:



Down in the lobby at 450 Sutter Street, where Dr. Quinn's office is, all smiles, now with my top braces. I DID IT! YAY ME!!!!!



A closer look. See? Was that so hard? :-)



There's more to come, and I hope you'll stay tuned. And remember, I won't JUST be sharing my journey to my dream smile. Nope. I'll still be chatting away about people, places and things ruminating about in my head, my other life ups and downs, and everything else in between.

I forget who said it, but I fell in love with the quote when I heard it: "A life worth living is worth recording."

Can I get an A-MEN for THAT!